Issues of Earthling Longevity


In general, the more saintly an Earthling, the more likely they are to die young, usually at the hands of a drunk driver. Conversely drunkenness is a key factor in immunity to harm. In any given tragedy, it’s always the drunk who survives.

Based on the many eulogies I’ve heard upon of a young person, here are some traits to avoid if you want to survive into adulthood: Kindness to those less fortunate, artistry, widespread likeability, genius, friendliness, grace, temperance, selflessness, beauty, athleticism.

And the tendency of these good people to die increases dramatically in the days leading up to a major life event, i.e. nuptials, graduation or giving birth. Anyone who has their whole life in front of them should stay at home until it passes. Losers live a long time.

Nobody ever says, “He was the best damn grocery bagger we ever had. Pardon my language, but he was.”


If any Earthling, especially a female, wants to survive her youth, she should be a stupid, drunken klutz. Throw in man-stealing and seal clubbing and she’ll probably live to see a hundred. You never hear of an Earthling girl dying in a terrible car crash while she was sucking off the driver. It’s always when she’s on her way to volunteer at a nursing home or teach music to poor children.

Earthling children, if you’re reading this, heed my warning.

Observer003 – Earthlings

Tomorrow: Personal Transportation

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