Exodus II – Part IV: Meanwhile, Back at Base Camp

business card of oholiab

This story starts here.

In getting all of the laws, Moses was up on the mountain forty days in a cloud of smoke. (I’m starting to suspect something here.) It says the whole top of the mountain was covered in smoke. I guess Yahweh wasn’t a smokeless burning bush.

Yahweh didn’t want any of the Israelites to go up on the mountain with Moses. (There was some kind of force field around it that killed anyone who set foot on it.) Maybe because if someone got up there, they were bound to find out that Yahweh was a burning bush and wouldn’t have understood.

“He’s just up there talking to a burning bush.”

“A what?”

“I’m not kidding. He’s talking to a burning bush.”

“And the bush is talking back?”

“I guess so. I didn’t get that close. One thing I did hear: No more shellfish.”


“Dude, we’re in a desert. It’s not really an issue.”

“That’s not the point. Like circumcision wasn’t enough, now no more Lobsterfest?”

“Wait. Let’s get back to that burning bush. This is what Moses has been talking to the whole time? Seriously, show of hands, who here actually knew Moses before any of this?”

“Wasn’t he wanted for murder? I heard he killed a guy. That’s why he left to begin with.”

“I heard he was 40 years herding sheep. That’s gotta mess with your mind.”

“That’s what the smoke was at the front of the line? All this time we were like, ‘Okay, cool. Somebody brought the hibachi.’ Because we left in such a hurry, we forgot ours. But now we know why the burgers never made it back to us.”

And it spiraled from there.

“A flaming shrub? Has anybody besides Moses heard it talk? Maybe – and I’m just spit balling here – but maybe we should take half a mo and talk about this. Because I never heard Abraham, Isaac or Jacob mention a burning shrub. And I think it would have come up. A golden calf. That was always good enough before. Aaron? You’re good with a hammer. How about hammering us up a nice golden calf. Who’s with me? Because, after all this, I could use a party. Anyone else? Show of hands? Yeah, I thought so.”

So they collected all of their gold earrings and Aaron hammered them into a nice golden calf for them to party with. They ate, drank and danced with it. Because you could do that with gods back then. But not with Yahweh. He heard about it and got pissed. He was going to wipe them all out right then and there and Moses had to talk him down.

But when Moses went down the mountain to check it out for himself, he got so pissed that he dropped the tablets Yahweh had just given him. Shattered them.

The only ones not partying was this tribe called the Levites. So he tells them to grab their swords and go at it. Which they did. They cut a pretty bloody swath through the Golden Calfers. Which I guess was less than what Yahweh wanted to do, but not by much. But I think Moses was mostly mad that he dropped the tablets because he had to go back up the mountain and get another set, which was another forty days.

And pious as he was, forty days was forty days. He had a wife he hadn’t seen.

* * * * *

I was really thinking I was going to be able to explain these people in two reports. I see now how wrong I was. I may never finish, but I will continue.

Because, the amazing thing is, so many Earthlings trace their roots to them, even though neither they, nor their ancestors, spent any time as them. There are Earthlings who hate* the descendents of these people, but still trace their roots back to these people.

So, yeah, I’ll have to get back to this story.

- Observer003 – Earthlings

*And I do mean hate. Hate as in they want to wipe-them-off-the-face-of-the-Earth hate.

Tomorrow: An Economic Myth Exposed Via Testi-Pedal Impact

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