This story starts here.
After the battle with Amalek, the Israelites made it to Mount Sinai. There, Yahweh called Moses up the mountain to lay down the law to him. And it was a lot of law.
The whole first part was about how everybody should be cool with each other, no stealing, and if you break something you have to pay for it. But he sprinkled in some random stuff, I think as a test to see if anybody actually did the reading.
He’d be like, “So you read it all?”
And the Israelites would be like, “Oh, absolutely.”
“Word for word?”
“Word for word.”
“Okay, great. So what’s for dinner?”
“Oh, we’re just going to have a little lamb boiled in it’s mother’s m-”
The next part of the rules was all about how to build the ultimate crash pad that Yahweh could stay in when he came to visit. He was very specific about size and materials. Very specific. Like he’d been thinking about it a long time. Like, the whole time the Israelites were suffering in Egypt, Yahweh was off thinking about his ultimate crash pad. It was just a tent, but he knew exactly how it should look. And they also had to build a special box to put all the rules he was giving them in. And what the priests should wear. Yahweh was a little metrosexual.
Then there was a whole part about how to cook out. And Yahweh must have been kinda vegan at this point, but reluctantly, because he wasn’t going to eat the animals they sacrificed to him, but he did love the smell of them cooking. He was like a guy who quits smoking but still likes to be around other people who smoke just for the smell. Maybe he was dating a vegan so he had to go through the motions but he resented it.
And Moses must have been, like, “Jeezus, This is a lot of stuff. I can’t remember all of it.”
“Oh, no problem. I wrote it all down for you.”
And Yahweh handed him these two tablets.
“What? You got all that on two tablets? Everything?”
“Yeah. Well, front and back. And I took out all the spaces and vowels.”
Observer003 – Earthlings
Tomorrow: Part IV: Meanwhile, Back at Base Camp